Profound Farts

Black holes are where God divides by zero.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't foryou.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.